A brief history of Molly

Last night, Molly stayed in bed with me until Mummy got home - we had a fantastic time and I found myself grinning because we've got it all to do again! It got me thinking about how much she's grown over the last two and a half years so I went back over some old photos.

Of course, nobody ever takes pictures of their child looking miserable or ugly but I'm amazed by how pretty and happy Molly has always been - from almost day one. It also amazes me how I can see her personality as it is now back in those early photos - the fun, the smiles and the cheek!!

I can't wait for the next two and a half years - but with twice the fun...

Simple Sunday

Wonderful day today, Clare was working so I had Molly to myself and went down to the Childrens Day in Feilding. Molly had to have on loads of sunscreen and a hat because the weather was boiling. Needless to say, I didn't put on the sunblock so am suitably crispy now.

Molly loved it. We started off on the park, on the swings, down the slides and on the climbing frame. Then we went to see the face painters (Molly can't have it done, it makes her skin irritable) and they felt sorry for her so they gave her a balloon. She loves balloons.

Then we went to see the Fire Engine and the Police car but Molly saw a bee and got a bit scared. She asked for a sausage at the BBQ and devoured it once it had cooled down.

We went to see the other children in the swimming pools while we got some drinks (there were no drink stalls at this fair??!?), Molly was naturally dying to get in.

Molly went on the trampoline and said thankyou to the owner who gave her another balloon for being polite. Molly was getting a bit hot and bothered so we left for home.

Lovely day.

Friday Fun & Games

Long, long day today. Tablets seemed to have immediately kicked in so I was bright and motivated in the morning, but there was hassle after hassle at the office. One member of staff resigned (which was accepted) and my deputy manager told me he was offered a better job by my former boss (his resignation was declined). Pleased I managed to convince him to stay.

Due to the ending of the last campaign and the beginning of the next there's been massive amounts of teething problems - new commission structure, new operating procedures, new data collection and implentation - the list goes on.

Will be holding training sessions all next week to bring the guys up to speed on the campaign and systems. It's an exciting really as it's the first campaign that I've handled from the start, I'm really confident; mainly because most of my efforts thus far have been with on eye on this project. Fingers crossed.

Clare was catering today for a friends school so she was pretty tired when she got in but pleased to be doing something positive. We're very close at the moment, and doing at lot of (fairly small) things together. Aloise is kicking all the time and feels to me so much bigger than I remember with Molly. She also seems to have more than the normal amount of limbs - you can feel "kicks" in about 7 different places in a short space in time.

Caitlin has been in the hospital again with siezures, Brent and Megan have just asked to be left alone this weekend - they're shattered and I wish I could help in some way. They don't want to leave Caitlin, but they haven't slept in days; just as things settle down a bit, it's back off to the hospital. We're getting pretty used to phone calls at strange hours now...

Weather is beautiful at the moment, and it's Children's Day on Sunday so I'm going to take Molly to Feilding for the kiddies events - quite looking forward to it. Molly is a proper person now, and we can actually hold conversations - I don't know why but it seems more rewarding when it's just one on one.

Back on the tablets it seems

Our experiment at life without the anti-depressants appears to have failed.

My energy levels have dipped very low again, sleep is proving difficult and the apathy has returned. I wouldn't say that I am "depressed" as such - though the realisation that I continue to need medication is sad - but the worry is that the mental difficulties lie just around the corner.

I'm pretty gutted frankly, things seem to be going well in life but once again I have to face the fact that I'm not "normal". On the positive side, we've acted as soon as we could - today has been my first day off sick - and got down to the doctors to get it sorted out.

Clare seems pretty pragmatic about it, she hates the side-effects of the drugs, but it's much more preferable to a return of the listless, lifeless existence I seem set for otherwise.

I'm in pretty good spirits really, mainly because I know the tablets work and the panacea effect they have. I just don't want to risk what we've got when we're so close to achieving our goals.

The doc hasn't prescribed me the Aropax yet, they are looking into whether there are alternatives that are without the less desirable side-effects. Personally, having done so much research over the years and having tried the other SSRIs I'm quite happy just to pick up where I left off.

Damn if it isn't annoying though.

My 1st Christmas Present !

I'm going to watch WWE Wrestling!! Can't wait - 4th March 2006, I'll be at the Westpac Stadium with 40,000 fans watching my favourite wrestlers, which anyone who knows me will tell you, has been something I've wanted to do for a loooooooooong time.

Merry Christmas!

Random photo day

It's been a beautiful day, with wonderful weather and not too much has gone wrong with work. Ahhh, I should probably savour this moment...

Desiree came round last night to see Clare and was very impressed with the floor I laid in the kitchen (see pic!), it was nice to see her and Clare was especially pleased.

Continuing the low cholesterol theme, Clare made a form of butter chicken curry - something I could handle every day - though the boiled potatoes weren't my favourite.


I had downloaded some movies and TV shows over the weekend so Clare & I settled down to bed early to watch them and snuggle. All in all, a very pleasant evening.

No massive headaches at work today either, one staff member not working hard enough but everyone else happy and productive. One out of 34 isn't bad odds. Lots of admin mini-hassles, and though I am still rubbish at administration, at least I can now delegate as a required part of the job. Heh heh.

Tomorrow's going to be a heavy one, up early and driving down to Wellington, working the day and then getting the train home because I've got to return the company car (I get an allowance so I shouldn't really have a car, but have managed to blag a succession for the last few months).

I haven't used public transport in NZ before so it should be interesting, definately going to beat travelling from Teddington to Gillingham by train anyway...


Got an e-mail from Sean White today, he's coming to NZ in 3 weeks!!

Have arranged for one of my clients to put him up (the Museum Hotel in Wellington - fantastic) if he wants because he's only supposed to be doing a tour of the South Island. As I said in my e-mail to him, if he's on this side of the world it would be rude not to meet up. It'll be nice to see Sean, I know the family have had some concerns with him over Grandads will but to me it doesn't matter so much. It's not as if it's a big shock. You know what you are getting with Sean, it's up to you whether you choose to use him. Besides, pairing Sean with Steve was a match made in an eternal waiting room.

Steve will be 40 in two weeks - absolutely amazing. Will likely always regret not being there with him to share a drink, though he claims that he wants a quiet one.

Pictures: 1. Our House (for now), 2. The New Floor, 3. Squeak The Cat

The journey to work

Beautiful day, beautiful drive, enough to set you up for a hard days graft! These pictures are of the view I have on my way in - these were taken from the car window at about 6.30am. Hard to get to work without feeling pretty motivated...

Bank Holiday Blues?

Feeling rough all day, very low on energy for some reason. I've got a massive week ahead and frankly I'm not looking forward to it - was hoping this weekend would give me a long overdue opportunity to recharge the batteries, but I feel worse than when I'm doing the 15 hour days.

Come what may, I'm off at 6am tomorrow, putting planning in place for the new campaign and generally giving my staff grief for last weeks performance and motivation for this weeks - in that order.

Have a number of meetings set with the Chambers of Commerce of NZ next week, worth a great deal of money to the company - thank God I've done the prep already. Am starting to think that the move down to Wellington is going to need to be sooner rather than later. I have no issue with working from home a couple of days a week (as my contract allows), but my team never seem to get it done unless I'm there to hold their hand.

Clare took Molly over to Nanny's most of the day, and I spent that time sleeping. Still feeling tired now. Didn't do any weights today, first day off for 10 days or so. Maybe that will make a difference...

Came across some old photos of our last day in England, will post a few over the next couple of days.

Must phone Nana and see how she enjoyed Portugal, but I'm too knackered at the moment. I did leave a message for her (well Molly did), so she'll know I'm thinking of her.

Clare just called and told me she's bringing a roast back with her from her Mums - so much for the cholesterol diet eh?? I think Clare's being nice, she can see how knackered I am and she knows these next couple of weeks are critical for me at work.

Got the remixes of Depeche Modes hits - 1981 to 2004, great stuff and real throwback to the days of the Rock Ave Club!! I nearly laughed out loud at "Just Can't Get Enough" because I know what the club is like now! I remember a friend of mine - Dominic Harris - going on about the lyrics of "World In My Eyes" at the time, but now I get it heh heh. Also got Robbie Williams new album, not impressed. Fort Minor (spin-off of Linkin Park) is real good though and occupies the CD player in the car most of the time. Remember the Name is a great poppy track.

Spoke to Fiona on webcam last night, and got to see a lot of Emily - very, very cute!! Miss my sis.

Saturday Night Sunday Morning (also a good tune by Phil Collins)

Spoke to Mummy last night, had a nice chat but we were both distracted - I was pretty tired and she was getting ready for Paul Millis to arrive. It was really nice to hear her voice even though we didn't talk about anything of substance - Amy is away with Steve for her 2 year anniversary. Yawn.

Overall it was bittersweet I think, Tom is doing much better and becoming more himself - probably means we're due for an argument soon ;o)

We arranged t0 meet on MSN in the morning so Molly could see her Baa-baa, which involved a lot of mucking about on both our parts, but I thought we'd got it all sorted. Went to bed at 3am instead of staying up to watch Man Utd vs Tottenham so I'd be compus mentus in the morning (ish). Clare woke me up 8.30ish for snuggles then Molly joined us.

Just after 9am, Mummy phones, having been on the turps with her guests, of course the MSN isn't working. I talk her through the process, difficult at the best of times but with her friend Al Cohol interfering I found myself slowly losing patience. "NO!! NO DOT!" was one of the phrases that were uttered with a raised voice.

Got it sorted in the end, and we all loved it! Molly loved seeing Baa-baa and Grandad Tom/Poppa - Tom shares the privilege I have of being equally known by two names, I don't know how Molly decides these things. I think I'd prefer Grandad Tom and Poppa better than Daddy and Paul personally...

Poor Mummy was a little cut up at seeing Molly but held it together nicely, she got the chance to see Clare's bump and Molly was on good form, kissing the screen for both Grandparents until she announced her boredom with an abrupt "Bye". A wholly enjoyable experience!

Afterwards, we did a bit of tidying up; then Molly decided she wanted to survey the world from her swing in the garden - taking her bottle and blanket with her and just sitting in the sun under the shade. God bless her, she fell asleep after an hour. See the pics.

Linda and David came round early in the afternoon and brought the dog Tessie (a Jack Russell), wonderful for Molly but no fun at all for the two cats! Surprisingly, the youngest - and weakest looking - stood her ground and tried to chase Tessie out.

Have set up the home network now, so now have wireless PC's attached to every TV in the house, streaming films and TV shows as and when I wish. I'm a clever sod.

A Day Just For Me !

Clare took Molly shopping this morning so I had the morning to myself. Joy!

Been catching up with friends in the UK - especially Damian, who'd not been around much since his internet provider banned him for downloading movies heh heh. He's still on target to emigrate over here in February, and I have to say I'm starting to get excited!! He seems to think he'll be a bad influence on me, but really the opposite is true. Hurry up Feb.

Also, talked to Sean for a while, Aloise is an anagram of Laoise, a nice connection I think. Sean invited me to a new torrent site, which is a result as I'd outstayed my welcome at the ones I was using. The problem that I have is my bandwidth is only 10gb per month, and I tend to use that up in 2 days - then spend the rest of the month uploading at 64k. It's not that I'm being greedy honest!!

No real news on Caitlin really, we're hoping that she's going down to Christchurch for an operation but when and what that will be remains to be seen.

Took a couple of great photos of the girls last night, Molly got a (fairly) rare chance to sleep in our bed - until 2am when we had had enough of her wriggling! The last pic is Molly jumping.

Arranged to speak to Mummy tonight on the webcam and I'm really looking forward to it - I just hope she remembers. They are not in winter hours yet so it will likely be late and not for long. Shame.

Looking forward to some catch up though, and I hope Nana is there too, not sure if she's returned from Portugal yet though.

Weather's a mixed bag today was really sunny and warm first thing but is becoming overcast. It's a pretty rare thing to have overcast weather here, it's sunny or it's raining and little in between - this is much more like UK weather. In the summer. Heh heh...

I can't really claim to have achieved a lot today (shock horror!!) - got up, did my weights, mucked about on the internet a while yapping to pals and watched a bit of wrestling. I have tidied up a little bit though, especially in my office where it was getting a little crowded to actually concentrate and get things done.

I do like the fact that my office is also a weights room because it encourages me to work out during my "down time" but it feels as though it takes up just a little too much room. I'll have a think about it and see if I can come to a compromise with myself.

Random thought of the day : - Why do I feel guilty about not doing office work on my day off?

It's a Bank Holiday this Monday - "Labour Day". Dunno what that means or why my staff get a day off right at the end of the campaign. Could do without it really.

Random comments...

I've met quite a few All Blacks in my fairly short time in New Zealand and it's just dawned on me how little significance that is. It's kinda like meeting a former Wimbledon FC player - they're just regular people in so-called extraordinary positions.

There's a comedian in New Zealand who puts it best:

"Achievement solely in New Zealand is like being the World's Tallest Dwarf; not important in the grander scale of things..."

Finished laying the floor in the kitchen today, very impressed with my work. I showed Clare and she picked holes in it. I'm not too sure whether I'm generally being a grump or if she has been particularly difficult recently, but since I came off my tablets (docs orders 'cos of the side effects) I have noticed that my temper has returned with a vengence.

I've asked Clare to keep notes and we'll mention it when we return to the doctor, I don't really want to get back to starting random fights with people.

I had Molly all day today, she's so funny. She has taken the box that Aloise's new pram came in and cut window holes in it so she has her own little house. She keeps taking the cats in with her - who are understandly not as impressed...

Molly decided to dress me in a "Nappy Hat". She thinks I'm a shithead.

News about Caitlin

The MRI results are in and show something around Caitlins brain. The doctors are pretty hopeful that it will be benign and simple to remove. Can't say it really makes us feel any better just yet. Nevertheless, spirits seemed to be raised just a tad around the family - I don't know very much about these things but the impression I'm getting is that everything is going to be ok. Thank God.

Why is no news, good news?

Clare's returned from the hospital, she was very sad. Caitlin is in the childrens ward and staying overnight. One of the children there got "very" ill and had to miss her MRI so Caitlin has taken her place, we're grateful but there's some poor parents around here that obviously aren't. A case of thank God for the smallest blessings I guess.

Molly & Caitlin - best buddys!

There were 8 doctors & nurses attending Caitlin, but no-one has so far given an indication of what is wrong with her - apparently fits are quite common in toddlers as a result of a fever, but her temperature and blood pressure is normal. I'm sad to say that it's looking serious. My heart goes out to Megan and Brent, I really have no idea what I'd do in their position. Brent is a very private man, and Linda caught him sobbing his heart out in the corridor while Caitlin was having needles put in all different parts of her tiny body.

Jesus, I hope this works out okay. I've had a thought at the back of my head that this was all over reaction by everyone. I was wrong, but I wish I was right.

In my experience, a life crisis usually serves to bring everyone together and galvanises action, probably one of the reasons I'm an easy-going guy - but this is different. It's breaking all of our hearts and there seems to be nothing we can do. Until a diagnosis we can't even look it up on the internet.

Whether you believe in God, gods or nothing at all - a prayer is in order for the light of their lives. God bless you Caitlin.

Life, Death and the bits in-between...

My niece (Clare's sister Megan's daugter) Caitlin has a mild form of cerebral palsy, and given she is almost the same age as Molly it's made all the sadder. She has special shoes and a helmet to wear to protect her, but I went to see her yesterday for the first time and it broke my heart. I feel so sorry for Megan & Brent - and Caitlin of course - and I thank God that we've been so lucky so far.

Megan called us first thing this morning, Caitlin has gone into hospital with fits and siezures, Clare and Linda have gone with Molly to the hospital as I write this. I feel so sad and wish there was something I could do. It's made all the worse for Clare, because she has seen me have fits so many times and she can't help but think that at some point Molly is going to inherit my "health issues".

Last night Clare was talking about what will happen when I die and when that is going to be. She was getting really upset about it. Come on, I'm making improvements in my life, exercising and eating better. Once I've conquered the fags there's no reason to suggest I'd have any issues. Part of it stems from my stupid claims years ago that I was going to die before 40 and in a violent manner (wonder where I got that from...) but realistically, there's no way I want to leave my three girls before I'm double that age. 20/20 hindsight as always...

Picture above is Molly, trying to show us that she's ready for big girl pants.

Change is not as a good as a rest

I replied to Vic's e-mail including all of the news over the last couple of years, in the process of writing it it made me think about what a busy couple of years it's been - both good and bad.

Grandad died, changing all of our lives, but especially Nana forever

Tom's dad died and he contracted and beat (touch wood) cancer, changing his life forever

Amy had her car crash that changed her life forever

I moved to New Zealand, changing my life forever

Clare nursed me through depression, changing her life forever

Molly left behind her entire paternal family, changing her life forever

Clare became pregnant with Aloise, changing our lives forever

Mummy continued with her mature studies, changing her and the views of other forever

Fiona gave birth to Emily and soon Bump#2, changing her life forever

There's plenty more besides, but the point is - why change? Now I realise that there's positive as well as negative and you'd hope that any of the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm afraid I don't agree.

I guess I'm someone who appreciates the now, but I'm sure I'd trade the future positives for all of the past negatives. Or maybe I just miss my Grandad...

Catch Up...

We're working on doing up the house at the moment, have finished the bathroom and am mid-way through the kitchen. My (home) office is a state at the moment and I need to get better organised, it's making it difficult to stay focused.

Went to the Docs last week for a check up - I've been feeling really tired recently so had some blood tests etc done. Results show I've high colesterol (6.5) so Clare's made me a special menu where I get to eat nothing I like at all...

It's amazing, I've given up boozing, gambling, fighting and am working on giving up smoking (down to about 10 a day). Now they say I can't eat! Sooner or later, breathing is going to be bad for your health.

New Zealand is obviously a very small country, and with all of the recent natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes. tsunamis, bird flu) the news is just choc full of "what to do in a disaster" stories. I appreciate that we are surrounded by water (never more than 40kms away for 95% of Kiwis) and we are seated on a fault line - but really!! This doom & gloom is going a bit too far.

Things are going all guns at work, we will finish our current campaign this Friday (21st) and I am doing strategy and prep for the next campaign. My team will get a week off to do housekeeping and chase final orders, but for me this is the busiest time of the year.

APN is a strange company, on the one hand, it's been terribly mismanaged in the past and it's really easy to make a difference. On the other hand, all of the real power is in Auckland and it's pretty hard to get things done. Don't get me wrong, this role has really given me confidence in my ability; but I'm wondering how quickly I'm going to get bored with it.

The real picture will become clear once we move to Wellington, but I have a sneaky suspicion that once I've established my client network and achieved what I want in terms of change management I may see how much I'm worth in a bigger role. Guess it's nice to be in that position though. On the job websites, I now look only in the category of "Plus $100k" positions which is good for the soul I guess.

Molly is endlessly funny, she's a mini-adult now and very much the product of her environment - "Daddy, get me a bottle - NOW", "Daddy, eat your tea - NOW"! Last night I was trying to get her to stop jumping on the bed and she just kept repeating quietly "Don't you talk to me like that...". After a few times, I had tears in my eyes I thought it was so beautiful and just ended up giving her a cuddle.

I've finally come to the realisation that having a BMW Coupe (above) when you've two little girls is not a sensible idea, so I'm reluctantly selling it. Looking at getting a Mitsubishi Galant VR4 estate (stationwagon over here). Will keep you posted.

D'ya wanna fight Daddy??

I've taught Mollly too much! She now approaches people and asks if they "wanna fight?" with fists in front of her. Clare's horrified naturally...

I've restarted weightlifting and even managed to get a run in at the weekend, at least when she gets older I know she won't be able to beat me!!!

Clare is now heavily pregnant...

Clare had her first Braxton Hicks contractions last night. She's not enjoying this pregnancy anywhere near as much as with Molly, but I keep telling her that the birthing will be much easier!!
It's now at the stage where I'm getting really excited about the birth. I remember just before Lauren was born, and not being able to imagine what life as a father would be like - now I can see it all mapped out in front of me and I'm looking forward to doing all the Molly-stuff again.

Of course, when Molly was born I was terrified I was going to be as lousy a father to her as I was to Lauren, but I really don't feel that way this time round. There isn't a soul on the planet that could tell me I'm not a brilliant father to the Mollster...

"I am not enjoying this Paul..."

Heard from Vic !!!

I sent a short e-mail to Vic last week, just seeing if he was still alive because I hadn't heard from him in a year or so. Here's what he had to say:

Hello mate

Likewise I've been thinking a lot about you...well actually more about Clare and how she's doing!!?!! Especially now that she's going to have 3 children to look after...!!

All joking aside though, I have thought about you guys and I'm glad that Clare sends her reports every so often...and I get updates from Louise as well, just so I know how you're all doing. I have to say that you really pissed me off the last time you were here and that stuff that went on with Claffie. I said to myself that I was going to leave you alone for a while ( which has turned out to be quite a long while in fact) and hopefully you'd get your life in order..with work but more importantly with Clare and Molly.

I'm glad to see that you've got a good job?? and more importantly it looks like your more happy with yourself....now I'm not saying that's down to my wonder plan of not contacting you....but I hope that it gave you some time to reflect...god, I sound like my mum!!!

Anyway now I've got that shit out the way, How is everyone and you? and when is Clare due? Quill emailed me and said that you weren't obviously coming over for his wedding now.

As for me, well I'm still with Nat, shock, horror!! It's going really well...apart from the arguments about me watching footie too much!! and now she's hassling me about having a baby...and marriage, although I've said to her that I can't ask her to marry me until Dan has asked Louise otherwise she'd kill him...and I couldn't do that to a mate!! It's managed to buy me sometime but I'm not sure how long for though!!

Send me your home address and telephone number....what's the time difference over there?

Speak to you soon, mate.

Send my love to Clare and Molly, and mini-clare/Paul...I suppose you can have some of it too!!

Vic

(In case you're wondering - I think the stuff with Claffie was because I chose to go to Claffies instead of Vic's for a barbeque.)

This is what happens when you muck about with your wifes' mascara...

Clare & I have been buying the new bits & pieces for the new baby (Aloise by the way) - new double pram, new cot, bouncer, walker. Gotta say, I'm getting so excited!!

Been reminiscing about home a bit today, miss my big sister a lot. I heard N-Trance Stayin Alive and it reduced me to tears on the way to work. Also miss the footie (especially internationals) a lot. But that being said, I wouldn't change our situation - New Zealand is fantastic country and a hell of a way to live. Was talking to my pal Quill - likely to be the most successful of my peers and there appears to be parity. He'll be married in a couple of weeks, but career-wise we're almost on a par - even with exchange rates taken into account...

Quill was born in New Zealand (not that you'd know), and his dad is NZ's most famous painter so he's looking to move over here in the next few years - if he can manage to convince his soon-to-be bride.

With Damian looking to emigrate over here early next year, it looks as though I'll soon have the "best" of my friends over here to keep me on the straight and narrow. Amazing really.

Hepburn Jumps On The Bandwagon...

"What the hell" I thought... everyone else seems to have one. I'll give this a go for a while and see whether I can discipline myself enough to keep it going!